Reviews
Readers Report (1) | Readers Report (2)
A Novel
by XXXXXXXXXXX
Written in the first person from the viewpoint of the main protagonist, this novel charts the progress of XXXXX from early childhood through to later life. It uses a familiar narrative device of the protagonist interrupting the action to address the reader, then returning back to the narrative. Somewhat unusually, the protagonist is a dislikable character with whom the reader does not identify, which unfortunately does serve to distance the reader. While the book uses some excellent imagery and grips through the narration in part, it suffers from a lack of direction, leaving the reader feeling confused.
However, the basic premise of the story is sound and promising.
With some additional work on the plot line, the main characters's
motivations and in the conclusion the work could be considerably
improved.
Plot and Structure
The novel starts strongly with a clear direction; XXXXX
determines to lead a life of deviousness and evil shrouded
by a facade of respectability. This works well in the
early parts of the story, which are the best part of the
book. However, after the incident with the prostitute
Roche seems to falter in his resolve, and from that point
on we are not sure quite whether he is still hell bent
on doing ill or whether he has become unsure of his own
resolve as a character. For me this was confusing, and
gave the impression the character was drifting. There
seemed no longer to be a strong motivation forward for
XXXXX, and the result is that we care even less about
him as a character. The book then drifts from one incident
to another, all perfectly acceptable in their own right,
but without a clear drive forward.
The excellent drive forward in the plot that the first
part of this book achieves grips the reader because we
want to find out where this character is headed, to what
depths he is prepared to descend. We are drawn up sharply
by XXXXX's seeming change of heart after being beaten
up by the pimp, but we're not given any similarly strong
plot device to retain our interest. XXXXX drifts in the
story as we drift through the rest of the book, feeling
let down that the end does not live up to the beginning.
The second part of the book could be given more drive
by reconsidering XXXXX's own response to his ordeal with
the pimp. Bearing in mind his actions and intentions
the latter of which are addressed at the reader directly
why does he lose his way so easily? What does the
'disintegration' of the title refer to he is already
resolved to be evil at the start of the book when he kills
the rabbit, so what part of him is disintegrating? Is
he disintegrating in to a good person?(!) This could be
made clearer (and I would actually lose the word 'disintegration'
from the title as it is clumsy with five syllables).
The use of asides to the reader from XXXXX is good as
it gives us a clear idea of his motivation. He then goes
on to enact some of what he has talked to us about. However,
it can also be confusing, in that we are unsure as to
when this is taking place. We seem to get narration of
an incident, then an aside, then another incident, implying
that this is all told in real time. After XXXXX's apparent
traumatic encounter with the pimp, we get few or no asides,
and little insight into his feelings from him. His viscousness
certainly seems to have evaporated. If the book were to
have been written in retrospect by XXXXX, then the early
viscousness would surely have been tempered by what comes
later?
As regards the book's opening, the idea is a good one,
but the execution needs examining. Chapter 1 is too short
to give us enough information and interest and hence
grip us enough to continue. Chapter 2 comes too
soon, and we find ourselves almost restarting the book.
Could Chapter 1 not expand on the character of XXXXX?
Another problem area is XXXXX. The motivation for this
plot line is unclear, with Roche himself unsure as to
why he is pursuing her. Why does he pursue her sexually
when she has given no indications of interest? He seems
to start out on this road but become indecisive again
and back off. This also links with XXXXX's father, who
stuns us all by announcing his long standing affair with
XXXXX. Some more on this would add to the book as the
father is drawn a bit two-dimensionally at the moment,
yet he could form a stronger influence on both XXXXX and
the direction the book takes.
Despite the above criticisms, the first part of the book
drives the reader forward at a cracking pace. We want
to know what will happen next, even though we find XXXXX
loathsome, and his asides to the reader cleverly serve
to put our backs up from time to time. We care. This gives
the author a problem though as we are anti-XXXXX,
his misfortunes with the prostitute are a positive for
us; we need a clearer indication from the author as to
where we are going in order to care enough to keep reading.
The second half currently loses our interest.
Characters
XXXXXXXX XXXXX is an interesting character as we don't
usually grow to hate the main protagonist so much so quickly.
We could do with a little more on why he decides to take
the course he does influences, events? The character
is also quite determined and spiteful in his comments
to the reader. But, the character in the second half comes
across as too woolly he follows a particular course
of action, but leaves us unconvinced as to his own certainty.
Here we have the vicious XXXXX but without the certainty
of before. Why this change? It would be more fulfilling
if XXXXX disintegrated in terms of mental stability, financial
security, his own sense of self-rightiousness, but he
seems to grow. This leaves us unsure as to what we should
feel, which is one way of losing a reader.
The plot line with XXXX stands out as being just that,
a plot line. XXXX's suicide seems to be overlooked by
XXXXX's parents at a time when they're worried about his
manuscript, and XXXXX's homosexual relationship with XXXX
seems to have very little relevance to the character that
we know as XXXXX. The relationship with XXXX, and possible
his bisexual sexuality, could be explored in more depth
to make this whole episode ring more true.
Similarly, there are flaws in the plot line with XXXX.
Her humiliation at the hands of Roche is handled well,
and his treatment of her, leaving her to be found by her
parents, comes as a shock to us. But she has either seemingly
forgiven him for this, or XXXXX has forgotten that he
then returned to free her before her parents arrived.
I can't believe she would forgive him, and if he has a
mental block about returning then this is not at all clear.
The character of XXXX clearly needs to resurface later
in the book, but we need to be clear as to what actually
has happened, and particularly why. I suspect the mental
block theory is what is intended, but it is confused (and
confusing) at present.
XXXXX's mother is quite two-dimensional and could be used
as a much greater influence on the story. She seems to
condone her husband's infidelity without any qualms, and
her influence on XXXXXXX is uncertain. Similarly, the
failure to use XXX XXX to a far greater extent is odd,
as here is an opportunity to draw parallels between the
supposedly mentally disabled brother and the arguably
really mentally disabled XXXXX.
Overall, the characters could be fleshed out a little
more so that we as readers understand their motivations
and thus actions better. The book would also benefit from
a character that the reader can sympathise with, giving
us an emotional attachment.
Additional points
XXXX and XXXXXXX: I could find no reason for including
these sections as there are no obvious parallels and they
serve only to isolate us further from the action and characters.
Such additional 'writings' of XXXXX could serve numerous
purposes, highlighting XXXXX's own instability through
his prose, reflecting the effect of his actions in a fictional
context, etc.
Francis could play a greater role. We know little about
him, but what we do know leads us to the conclusion of
a certain kind of man. What we are presented with does
not fulfil this expectation, again leaving us confused.
His love of Star Trek is fine, but the intellect he employs
to discuss it does not sit with the descriptions we have
of his character. When XXXXX finds himself answering on
XXXXXXX' behalf, as his mouth is taped up, we are incredulous
as neither XXXXXX nor XXXXX has demonstrated such an ability
to have any such discussion. I had to go back to make
sure I hadn't lost a page at this point.
Summary
The first half of this book is a good read, with strong
motivation and a well drawn central character. Some relatively
minor re-writing will see this part even stronger. However,
the second part tails off to a disappointing conclusion,
leaving us confused and short-changed. Some rethinking
of where the central plot is taking us would be needed
here.
The main characters are all distinctive, though all could
be beefed up somewhat. Some characters could play a more
central role, as the emphasis is all on XXXXX at present.
Perhaps shifting narration from XXXXX to one of the other
characters (XXXX, XXXXXXX) at times could help here.
A Period Novel
by XXXXXXXXXXX
Synopsis
This is a simple tale of the lives of 'ordinary' people
set against the backdrop of post-war Britain. The main
action is split between the Peak District and London.
The story follows the lives of two main characters, Paul
and Mary, as they emerge from the second world war, and
it charts their progress through life. Elements of the
tale may well be semi-autobiographical in nature.
Readership
Readership for a novel such as this would be general,
possibly those of an older generation would have more
interest in the post-war setting. It is a gentle tale
with few action highlights.
Writing style
The style of writing is through narrative and dialogue.
There is little use of descriptive passages, which tends
to make the narrative move along at the same pace. This
style makes it quite difficult for the reader to retain
concentration sometimes as the narrative moves along quite
rapidly. In addition, the book is quite verbose and would
benefit from some judicial editing. For example, there
are often qualifying statements that bear no real relevance
to the plot and which do not give us any further useful
information about the characters.
Plot
There is little by the way of plot; rather the book charts
the progress of two main characters through life in a
gentle progression. There are few key defining episodes,
which again makes the story seem all of a similar pace.
The few key episodes that do happen are sometimes not
explored as fully as possible (e.g. Mary's tryst with
Tom), leaving the reader with a sense of having been a
bit cheated.
The stories of the two main characters start out intertwined, but very soon become separate, almost to the point where we have two separate stories. Near the end of the book, the two spilt up, but this could have happened sooner. The motivation of the two characters to stay 'together' at such a great distance is not given strongly enough, and there is no surprise when both characters drift apart.
The main character, Paul, is obviously the motivation for the book's title, but after about 50 pages or so his struggle to overcome his speech problem is virtually forgotten. There is no further motivation after this for him to be 'battle scarred', whereas if his whole life had been a battle (against adversity of any sort) then the title would be more appropriate. At present the title is good, but maybe not for the story as it currently stands.
Presentation
The manuscript is well presented. However, it needs a
careful human eye run over it to spot typos, missing words
and the like. In addition, the manuscript could be tightened
up to make a far more 'punchy' novel by an editor.
Problems
The novel gives no sense of time or place. We start in
the dying days of WII, which is an opportunity to set
the feel of wartime Britain. This is missing. In addition,
much of the story takes place in the Peak District, but
again there is no sense of the countryside in the narrative.
Consider using more place names, describing the landscape
whenever possible, introducing national events into the
characters' conversations, etc. Scenes set in the town
Mary settles down in could easily introduce this sort
of colourful background.
We start in 1944, but within not many pages we hear of a Physiotherapy department, credit cards, single women buying a car, power steering, etc. Unless we have jumped 40 years, these are all anachronisms that simply scream the wrong period. Not many people had phones in 1944, cars were very expensive and beyond most people's financial ability, credit cards were not around until much later......
Recommendations
At present this novel could be published as it stands.
However, to improve the book I would recommend the following: